Dear Chloe and Lex,
I’ve always been a people pleaser. Sometimes I wonder if that comes from something ingrained in me or if it was learned. I’ve talked about my not-so-easy childhood with you, so I wonder if trying to make everyone laugh and be the peacekeeper turned me into a people pleaser. Listen up, guys, this is important. Being a kind and empathetic human being is good. Being a people pleaser is bad.
When you run around trying to please people and make them like you, you can lose yourself. I’m not sure who first said this quote (the internet credits a bunch of different people), but I like it: “Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it, and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.” I think I’ve spent too little time in my life trusting in the love and grace of those who care for me and too much time seeking the approval of those who don’t.
Here’s a story of how ridiculous your mom is/was in trying to please everyone. The summer before I left for college, my mom talked me into taking a biology course at the local community college. It was every Friday night for 8 weeks and it was 3 hours each class! Can you imagine? I was 18 and it was the summer before college and I was going to spend every Friday night taking a subject I don’t even like?! She said it would help prepare me for college. I wasn’t buying it. She said it would be a fun way for her and I to spend time together. I still wasn’t buying it. She told me that every week, she would buy me Doritos and coke to take to class. I said I’d go. (I’ve always been a sucker for junk food).
Now, as you guys know, I was lifeguarding on an army base during this time, so when I worked on a Friday night, I’d have to leave at 7:00 to make my 7:30 pm class. I’d shower at the pool at 6:00 and hope no one drowned so I didn’t have to jump in again. One Friday night, I had showered and was all ready for class and had some time to kill, so I started walking around the perimeter of the pool, cleaning up. A G.I. (army guy) was in the deep end with his friend trying to learn how to dive. As I walked by, he stopped me. Guys, remember your Greek mythology books and how Adonis was always really attractive. Well this G.I. was a cross between Adonis and Ivan Drago from Rocky IV (look it up) He took my breath away he was so beautiful.
He asked if I had any tips to learn to dive. And I did, I had been teaching kids to dive for 3 summers now. I walked over to the edge of the pool and told him to dive, and I would correct his form. He had great form (wink, wink) but when he “dove,” he basically just fell in the pool. For the next 20 minutes, I showed him how to put his head between his outstretched arms, bend at the knees and fall in head first. And over and over again, he would half heartedly try and fall in. He started saying things like “maybe if you showed me I’d be able to pick it up better.”
Ugh, I was all ready for my class, if I put my suit back on, I’d have to go to class with dripping hair. But he was gorgeous, and I didn’t want to disappoint him. DO YOU HEAR THAT? I didn’t want to disappoint a stranger. That’s crazy, guys,. Anyway, I ended up putting my WET bathing suit back on, went to the edge of the pool, and said “If I dive in, you have to attempt to do what I do, ok?” He assured me that yes, he would attempt to do what I did. I lined my feet up at the edge of the pool, bent at the knees and did a perfect dive. I came up for air, climbed out of the pool and said “Ok, your turn.” He turned to me and said “I think I’m done for the day. I’m going to dry off. Nice dive though.”
So, what can I say? I was a sucker. But did I learn my lesson? No, and that is why I continue to see my therapist, Janet. I spent my 20’s and 30’s trying to please people. I’d say now in my 40’s it’s getting better. When I hit 50 next year I ain’t pleasing no one! (we’ll see). Rarely do I trip over myself trying to impress someone anymore. I’m too tired, and I’ve learned what seeking the affirmation of others does to your heart. I’m also finally learning to accept that the people who love me don’t need me to perform and that I don’t need to worry about the others.
Your Beppe (God rest her soul) would want you to know that she made an A in that class and I walked away with a lousy C...and a permanent Doritos stain on my fingers.
I can so relate to this Sara. There are probably many of us who have struggled with this or are still struggling. Thanks for being transparent. Maybe you could write a story about your visit to my Dad in Friesland and your battle with wc at his house. Lol. That was so funny. Margaret. Xxxx
20 and I'm trying to learn the same thing. I don't need to prove myself to others, I am enough for those who want me as I am. I hate disappointing people but I'm trying to get more comfortable with it - glad we're both learning how to undo our people pleasing mannerisms!